All vented out

Okay, I'm better now. Sorry, for the glimpse of hysteria. Just had to get that out. So, how is everyone? I'm back at work for anyone who cares. Good to see all your blogs are up and running, except for slinky, I can't get on. And what the fuck happended to copyranter? Someone go hit that guy upside the head with something large and tell him to keep writing. It's therapeutic! He'll go insane keeping all that shit in. I don't have the time or inclination to fly to NY and search for some ad person named Mark whose office is opposite some billboard. Someone who knows him is just going to have to put a gun to his head...or get some damning photos.

Driving with tears in your eyes, not a good idea

So, last night I had an epiphany and a slight panic attack. I realized that I could probably count the times I've had sex in the past two years on my fingers without needing any more hands to help. This is what my life's become. A sexual beast that's been imprisoned. Woe is me and all that shit. So, I ran out of the house sobbing hysterically with my husband on my heels, jumped on my motorcycle, and took off. He yelled after me to be careful. God watches out for children and fools. I somehow missed the ramp for the highway, which was probably a good thing considering I could barely see at 50 mph with my visor fogging up and tears in my eyes. I could see myself losing it, and realized my children need their mother. So I toned it down and rode the streets at a sedate 35 mph, calmed the beast, and slunk home before midnight. Is it wrong to have to convince yourself "you can do this"? You can kill part of yourself and still survive. I have two beautiful boys who I refuse to make come from a broken home. So, I guess I need to tell my shrink I'm losin it. Is it wrong to want sex from your own husband? He told me in therapy that he's been denying me sex for all these years to punish me. What the fuck? What a waste, WHAT A FUCKING WASTE!!!

It's a boy...and human!

Hello all. Thanks to NYPunk for the interest! I unfortunately did not name the monster child (8 lb. 12 oz at birth) "Punk" . My little monster is growing well, and my crotch is recovering. I've decided I'm going to write a book about why children are like puppies. You know, we have to teach them both to sit, come, settle down, take them for walks, clean them/clean up after them, give them toys, etc. They both beg for treats, and circle like maniacs to get your attention. Jump on you and try to lick your face. The list goes on. I won't tell you about the beatings, you'll have to buy the book for that!

I'm still alive...and pregnant!

Hello all! Yes, I'm still around. I've got about five to six weeks to go with this little monster in my belly, depending on if the doctor is going to induce early. My pubic bone is shifting/dislocating about 20 times a day in case you're interested. And it hurts like a son of a fucking bitch! I've always wanted a daughter, but it looks like I'm going to just have to be happy with two sons because I am NEVER getting pregnant again! Well, that's my update, I'm going to go ice my crotch now...

I'm still alive...and pregnant!

JUST SHUT UP NOW

IF SOMEONE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE IS PREGNANT, WALK AWAY! DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TRY TO COMMISERATE WITH A COMPLETE STRANGER BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT THEY ARE GOING THROUGH. NO BITCH, YOUR PREGNANCY WAS NOTHING LIKE MINE. WOW, REALLY, I LOOK LIKE I'M DUE ANY DAY NOW? NOPE, NOT TILL AUGUST ASSHOLE!!!
SO, I'VE BEEN TAKING MY SON TO THE PARK DOWN THE STREET AND I CAN'T BELIEVE THE COMMENTS AND (UNSOLICITED) ADVICE PEOPLE GIVE ME. SOME WHACK JOB WAS GIVING ME MEDICAL ADVICE BECAUSE SHE JUST TOOK A WOMEN'S HEALTH CLASS. GREAT. A COMPLETE STRANGER TOLD ME TO GET SOME KIND OF BIOMETRIC READING FOR THE BEST BIRTHING POSITION. IT'S REAL SIMPLE SHE SAYS, THEY JUST ATTACH TWO PROBES TO YOUR ANUS AND HAVE YOU MOVE AROUND UNTIL THEY FIND THE POSITION THAT LEAVES YOU THE MOST RELAXED WHICH SHOULD BE YOUR BIRTHING POSITION DURING DELIVERY. SHE WAS COMPLETELY SERIOUS AND SINCERE.
WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!

Are you an asshole?

I get a kick out of Jeff Foxworthy's "....(then) you're a redneck". Well, I'd like to spin this off to "...(then) you're an asshole". Okay, I'll start.

• If you clear off one tiny patch of snow off your windshield then drive off with two feet of snow on top of your car which causes said snow to spill off onto the clean car behind you (me) on the highway, you're an asshole.
• If you make eye contact with a person (me) who is going through the same door as you, then do not hold the door for them when they are RIGHT behind you, you're an asshole.
• If you tell a pregnant woman (me) that "WOW, you're already huge", then you're an asshole.
• If you let some loser at your loser friend's wedding get away with grabbing your fiance's ass so you don't make a scene, you're an asshole.
• If you tell your wife (not me) you hope she loses all that weight she's gaining (due to pregnancy), you're an asshole.

I could go on and on, but I'll save some for later. So, go on, tell me your "...you're an asshole" stories. And yes, women can be assholes too.