some of me

kicking and screaming

2009-03-24T07:52:00.002-05:00

So, I was lured back to the blogging world...Now, not only do I have to use my personal e-mail, two separate work e-mails, Facebook (got roped into that one too), phone texting (hate it! why can't we just talk on the phone?), and now back to blogging. When did life become so fucking technical? I say we all throw our gadgets in Lake Michigan then go scuba diving to find them. Okay, okay, let's throw them in the Carribean then go scuba diving to find them! Then lay on the beach, get sand up our cracks, and have some down time with a cold bottle of whatever. What happened to climbing mountains, skydiving, just going to the park with the kids, playing hopscotch and all that shit? I feel like I'm naked without my stupid cell phone and now I can't go a day without checking Facebook. Ugh!

All vented out

2008-04-21T08:46:00.002-05:00

Okay, I'm better now. Sorry, for the glimpse of hysteria. Just had to get that out. So, how is everyone? I'm back at work for anyone who cares. Good to see all your blogs are up and running, except for slinky, I can't get on. And what the fuck happended to copyranter? Someone go hit that guy upside the head with something large and tell him to keep writing. It's therapeutic! He'll go insane keeping all that shit in. I don't have the time or inclination to fly to NY and search for some ad person named Mark whose office is opposite some billboard. Someone who knows him is just going to have to put a gun to his head...or get some damning photos.

Driving with tears in your eyes, not a good idea

2008-04-21T08:27:00.004-05:00

So, last night I had an epiphany and a slight panic attack. I realized that I could probably count the times I've had sex in the past two years on my fingers without needing any more hands to help. This is what my life's become. A sexual beast that's been imprisoned. Woe is me and all that shit. So, I ran out of the house sobbing hysterically with my husband on my heels, jumped on my motorcycle, and took off. He yelled after me to be careful. God watches out for children and fools. I somehow missed the ramp for the highway, which was probably a good thing considering I could barely see at 50 mph with my visor fogging up and tears in my eyes. I could see myself losing it, and realized my children need their mother. So I toned it down and rode the streets at a sedate 35 mph, calmed the beast, and slunk home before midnight. Is it wrong to have to convince yourself "you can do this"? You can kill part of yourself and still survive. I have two beautiful boys who I refuse to make come from a broken home. So, I guess I need to tell my shrink I'm losin it. Is it wrong to want sex from your own husband? He told me in therapy that he's been denying me sex for all these years to punish me. What the fuck? What a waste, WHAT A FUCKING WASTE!!!

It's a boy...and human!

2007-11-16T11:26:00.000-06:00

Hello all. Thanks to NYPunk for the interest! I unfortunately did not name the monster child (8 lb. 12 oz at birth) "Punk" . My little monster is growing well, and my crotch is recovering. I've decided I'm going to write a book about why children are like puppies. You know, we have to teach them both to sit, come, settle down, take them for walks, clean them/clean up after them, give them toys, etc. They both beg for treats, and circle like maniacs to get your attention. Jump on you and try to lick your face. The list goes on. I won't tell you about the beatings, you'll have to buy the book for that!

I'm still alive...and pregnant!

2007-07-05T11:52:00.001-05:00

Hello all! Yes, I'm still around. I've got about five to six weeks to go with this little monster in my belly, depending on if the doctor is going to induce early. My pubic bone is shifting/dislocating about 20 times a day in case you're interested. And it hurts like a son of a fucking bitch! I've always wanted a daughter, but it looks like I'm going to just have to be happy with two sons because I am NEVER getting pregnant again! Well, that's my update, I'm going to go ice my crotch now...

I'm still alive...and pregnant!

2007-07-05T11:52:00.000-05:00

JUST SHUT UP NOW

2007-05-02T08:39:00.000-05:00

IF SOMEONE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE IS PREGNANT, WALK AWAY! DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TRY TO COMMISERATE WITH A COMPLETE STRANGER BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT THEY ARE GOING THROUGH. NO BITCH, YOUR PREGNANCY WAS NOTHING LIKE MINE. WOW, REALLY, I LOOK LIKE I'M DUE ANY DAY NOW? NOPE, NOT TILL AUGUST ASSHOLE!!!
SO, I'VE BEEN TAKING MY SON TO THE PARK DOWN THE STREET AND I CAN'T BELIEVE THE COMMENTS AND (UNSOLICITED) ADVICE PEOPLE GIVE ME. SOME WHACK JOB WAS GIVING ME MEDICAL ADVICE BECAUSE SHE JUST TOOK A WOMEN'S HEALTH CLASS. GREAT. A COMPLETE STRANGER TOLD ME TO GET SOME KIND OF BIOMETRIC READING FOR THE BEST BIRTHING POSITION. IT'S REAL SIMPLE SHE SAYS, THEY JUST ATTACH TWO PROBES TO YOUR ANUS AND HAVE YOU MOVE AROUND UNTIL THEY FIND THE POSITION THAT LEAVES YOU THE MOST RELAXED WHICH SHOULD BE YOUR BIRTHING POSITION DURING DELIVERY. SHE WAS COMPLETELY SERIOUS AND SINCERE.
WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!

Are you an asshole?

2007-03-07T10:29:00.000-06:00

I get a kick out of Jeff Foxworthy's "....(then) you're a redneck". Well, I'd like to spin this off to "...(then) you're an asshole". Okay, I'll start.

If you clear off one tiny patch of snow off your windshield then drive off with two feet of snow on top of your car which causes said snow to spill off onto the clean car behind you (me) on the highway, you're an asshole.
If you make eye contact with a person (me) who is going through the same door as you, then do not hold the door for them when they are RIGHT behind you, you're an asshole.
If you tell a pregnant woman (me) that "WOW, you're already huge", then you're an asshole.
If you let some loser at your loser friend's wedding get away with grabbing your fiance's ass so you don't make a scene, you're an asshole.
If you tell your wife (not me) you hope she loses all that weight she's gaining (due to pregnancy), you're an asshole.

I could go on and on, but I'll save some for later. So, go on, tell me your "...you're an asshole" stories. And yes, women can be assholes too.

I'm taking a poll...

2007-02-15T09:02:00.000-06:00

Okay, I know that there's a bunch of snow outside and the thought of outdoor activities makes me shudder, but for some unknown reason I was thinking about bike riding. Not motorcycle/bike, but bicycle/bike. My son (who is not yet 2) got a little dirt bike style bicycle with training wheels for Christmas...even though I told the person who bought it not to because I just bought him a tricycle. Anyway, someone brought up that I had to find a helmet to fit my little man. Though I freak out when he falls, I want him to learn that if you do crazy things, sometimes you get hurt. I can tell you that 99.9% of scars on my body came from running around outside, climbing things, falling off of things, etc. I see it as a right of passage. Every scar tells a story that makes me laugh and shake my head. Not one person that I know had a helmet to ride a bike when they were little. But it seems that now, if you don't cover your children in helmets/knee pads/ a full body pillow, that you're a horrible parent. I don't relish the thought of my son bleeding and crying for me, but I don't want him to be a wimp. Scars show that you've lived. That you tried. That you were stupid and didn't listen to your mommy, but you survived. I wish I could wrap him in a cocoon sometimes and hide him from the world, but I am somewhat disgusted by the new generation's obsession with video games/TV/cell phones/etc. When my son has children of his own, I want him to be able to say, when I was your age, I played OUTSIDE!!! With sticks and mud and bugs!!!

So, after all that, here's the poll:
Did you/do you wear a helmet while riding a bicycle?
Do you/or plan to make your kids wear helmets?

Just curious :)

Hallmark Holiday?

2007-02-09T09:10:00.000-06:00

Valentine's Day is fast approaching. What the hell do you get a man for V-day, besides a blow job? I usually get him something small that he's been wanting, and the token suck or fuck, yet I expect (and never get) something more (usually it's flowers, maybe a card). I'm the woman. Don't I deserve something shiny? Or is this just another way for retailers to brainwash me into thinking I need something that sparkles? Usually birthdays and Christmas (now Mother's Day) is the big thing. Why the heck to we need V-Day, Sweetest Day, and all these other Hallmark Holidays? Why will we all "gather around the water cooler" on the 15th and talk about our significant others presents or lack thereof? Is it really about the present, the thought, the retail market, or the showing off? Is it just the one day to be romantic? Because, I want romance every fucking day!
Does anyone even know why we celebrate V-day? Because some monk named Valentine went to prison for trying to marry soldiers after the king/caesar/whatever you call him decided that no soldiers should marry so they could better serve him. So some kids sent him letters while he was in prison, and the Valentine was born. What the hell is Sweetest day? I'm all for presents, but aren't we getting a little bit carried away with all of this?
Of course, the princess in me really wants to delete this, but I won't let her!!!!

a cube with a view

2007-01-26T08:35:00.002-06:00

My "office" (a blue cube) sits directly eye-level across from the Daley Center Plaza Picasso. I was treated to the sculpture wearing a Bears baseball hat this morning. I am a huge Bears fan, so I'm a little miffed that they used a baseball hat and not a helmet. Newsflash Mayor Daley the Dufus: THE BEARS PLAY FOOTBALL!!!

btw, if anyone has an extra $12-17K they'd like to use to buy me a couple Superbowl tickets, I wouldn't say no!!! :) Da Bears!!!

nickname of the week...

2007-01-26T08:27:00.000-06:00

I'm not joking, this is for real. Some mixed race bad ass gang banger is called "Icky Red". Light skin with a reddish hue and freckles on a six foot something drug runner is supposed to justify this. I can just see it now. "Hey, Icky, got any rock?". Or how about "Icky Red runs rock down by the rowhouses". Say that ten times fast!

comments vs. compliments

2007-01-18T14:49:00.000-06:00

I'm carrying my second alien and have already started to show. My mother told me, "you're going to look like a boat soon, just like with the first one". Gee, thanks Mom. I realized as she looked at me all innocently that she had no clue what she just said was SO WRONG! This got me thinking to all the backwards half-assed comments I've ever been the victim of. Then I started thinking about all the real compliments I've ever received. I'd say one of the best compliments I've ever received was actually nearly a decade ago, and though I've gotten quite a few since then, this one has stuck with me. I was on the bus standing next to a man in a wheelchair. He had no legs. As we reached my stop and a got ready to leave, he tells me I have really nice feet. I smile and say thank you. Then I think, he probably looks at peoples legs/feet all the time, and he told ME that I had nice feet. That is the compliment that I'll never forget for as long as I live.
So, what kind of compliment (good or backhanded) or awful comments have you gotten?

nickname of the week...

2007-01-12T08:42:00.000-06:00

I know, you're all dying to find out this week's gang banger winner. More probable is the fact that you think I'm strange for doing this. Basically, this is more for me than for you. Anyway, this week's winner is....drum roll..."007" . Yes, a middle-aged black man is running around pretending to be super spy extraordinaire. I'm actually going to blame the parents for this one...guess what his real God-given name is? Yeah.

2007

2007-01-03T09:18:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year! I've noticed that quite a few people are talking about New Year's resolutions. I don't make any. It's too hard to live up to my own expectations! Oh, well! Hope everyone has a safe and happy year.

2006-12-22T11:36:00.000-06:00

A Very Merry Christmas to all! May you find yourself under the mistletoe with someone worth kissing!

How far would you go?

2006-12-22T09:44:00.000-06:00

Sorry, I've been handed a new assignment. No nicknames this week. But I'd like to pose a question. Hypothetically, of course, how far would you go to escape your life? Would you beg, borrow, and steal to try for a better life for yourself? This new case, hypothetically, has brought a lot of questions in my mind. Would you put your trust in a stranger to get you across the border? Would you sell your possessions? What about your body? I find myself looking down on people in poor situations because I think that they could make a better life for themselves if they tried. Maybe I think that because I know that I would do whatever it took to get what I wanted. Then I think...how far would I go. Would I sell by body for some money? Would I steal for food? Maybe. Then the cop in me kicks in. And I think how wrong it is. But what if ...? So I ask you, how far would you go?

tagged then bagged

2006-12-22T09:05:00.000-06:00

I've apparently been tagged by overseas mammalian fishnchimps. It's some form of blogger chain mail. I'm supposed to state/confess five unknown facts about myself and "tag" five others. Well, here are the things I can share without having to A-go to jail, B-live my life in exile, or C-refer to A and B.

1. I played high school football, on the boy's team.
2. I have made love to a woman
3. I like to do things in odd numbers...walk steps, take sips of water, click my pen, buy things, etc.
4. I had sex so hard/rough that I gave my partner at the time a black eye . He never admitted how he got it the next day at work.
5. I have been loved by few, lusted by many, and fucked by everybody at one time or another

I don't think you guys have been tagged yet. Sooo, my five tags are:

NewYorkPunk--whoever you are
MoreBetterLies --John
Copyranter --"Mark"
Slinky --Mr. Redfoot
Maulleigh--motorcycle mistress

person of the year

2006-12-18T14:44:00.000-06:00

I'd like to take a moment to pat myself on the back. You might not realize it, but you are reading the post of Time magazine's "Person of the Year". That's right. Me. No, wait, YOU too! You are also Time's "Person of the Year". Apparently someone in the top slot was feeling indecisive this year, so they decided to skip the vote and make everyone famous. Congratulations everyone. We (me, myself, and I) couldn't have done it without you.

nickname of the week...

2006-12-15T13:53:00.000-06:00

Has it been a week already? This week's bad-ass gangbanger award was a toss up. I was going to give it to "Squirrel", but alas, this week's winner is "Chubby". Yes, you. Whose nickname has probably caused more than one fatal drive by. The next burger's on me. Idiot.

nickname of the week...

2006-12-08T09:09:00.000-06:00

This week's gang-banger idiot award goes to "Smurf-G". You big, bad, blue boy. Step up to the mic to thank your homies for naming you after little blue elf-like creatures.

one of those days

2006-12-06T09:55:00.000-06:00

I got dressed in the dark today, if you know what I mean. I have slush on my boots. My husband was watching his cult leader on TV this morning with my son...again. I'm pretty sure I put the dollar in the wrong parking slot at the train station. I was also (just seconds ago) told there is a pot-luck...today. I wanted to hide in my little cubicle, but now (kicking and screaming) I'm going to have to see everyone in the office...wearing something stupid. I would say, just shoot me, but why have someone else do it when I carry one? No, I'm not serious, so don't comment with help line numbers.

making my day

2006-12-05T09:26:00.000-06:00

I just wanted to share how a complete stranger made my day...possibly my week. It seems that a bunch of you readers are men, but I'm going to tell you anyway. I was getting my morning dose of caffeine via Starbucks (iced venti black tea unsweetened with a splash of lemonade plus two sweet-n-lows...yes it is 9 degrees in Chicago) and headed for the door. A fairly handsome man was coming in, looked at me, and held the door open. I was still quite a few feet from the door so I hurried up, thankful for the chivalry, oblivious to his stare (until later when I analyzed the encounter mercilessly). He smiled and told me "take your time" . It wasn't necessarily what he said, but HOW he said it. It was somehow a compliment. Women understand this. I felt...special. It's been a while since I've had a true compliment without someone trying to get in my pants. From something as innocuous as a handsome man holding the door for me. Okay, maybe I need to get laid, but men, do some woman a favor. Consider this your good holiday deed of the day. Go hold the door open, pick up a dropped glove, or whatever. But don't be sleazy about it. Don't start a conversation, because that ruins it (we think it's a come-on and the gesture loses all meaning). Just give a subtle compliment and keep walking. Trust me. That woman will be thinking about you the rest of the day.

a week in passing

2006-12-04T10:26:00.000-06:00

I spent the past week at TARA(Terrorism Awareness and Response Academy) course for work. They instilled in us the importance of being aware of our surroundings, the horrendous things terrorists do, psych aspects of extremists, chemicals to make bombs (which you can do at home), how to handle a pre/post blast situation, how not to stand down-wind (duh), and how not to fuck up so that thousands of people die. By that way, these people are not afraid to die, in fact welcome dying for their jihad, and oh, will happily take you with them, so do not approach them. Also, you will be issued a gas mask which will be pointless in a chemical/radiological attack because without a chem suit, you will still burn, you'll just be able to breathe while dying painfully. Then they sent us off with a pat on the head and told us the most important thing when you go to work is to go home to your family at night. So basically, I should be hiding in a bomb shelter every day. Sorry, all you civilians, you're fucked.

2006-11-22T11:18:00.001-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

nickname of the week...

2006-11-16T14:16:00.000-06:00

This week's gang banger nickname of the week belongs to "Nutso". Real manly. Not "Psycho", "N-Sayne", or something cool. Just "Nutso". Now that's just crazy

cancer sticks

2006-11-14T13:58:00.000-06:00

I hate smoke. I hate the smell. I hate the taste. I hate that I can't walk out for a breath of exhaust/polluted "fresh" air without weaving through the labyrinth of smokers clogging the sidewalk at lunch. I don't care if you smoke. But I don't want to smoke too. Unfortunately, those wisps of greyish tendrils smack me in the face all the fucking time. We should take all the smokers and put them in a jar, and let them choke to within an inch of their lives so they can feel what I feel every time I walk into a bar. Or, fuck, every day I go to lunch and have to hold my breath while I run across the street for my ceasar fucking salad!
Ok. I'm done.

Hey, anonymous!

2006-11-14T09:09:00.000-06:00

Anon postings drive me crazy. At least make up a name for yourself. Do you not want people to know that you read my site? Someone might recognize you from a blog that I have commented on, so when they check out my sites, they'll know you were here? I allow anon postings, but come on. It's hard having a "conversation" when everyone's anon. How do I know which anon I'm talking to? So, for the record, I'd like everyone to come up with some name and stick to it so I can recognize who's posting. Or just stay anon. Whatever.

nickname of the week...

2006-11-09T14:37:00.000-06:00

So all I do all day is deal with gang intelligence. Which includes the most moronic nicknames and made up aliases you could imagine. Don't get me started on the tattoos! If I were a gang banger, I'd kill anyone that called me "cheeseburger" or "baby-shy". If you're going to be a bad ass, you better have the name to match! Or be smart and don't label yourself "sniper" because you're probably going to be questioned first in the case of a shooting. As I'm sitting here paging through piles upon piles of data, I thought I'd share just the nicknames of some of the more memorable bangers. Since I don't work tomorrow, I'm starting Friday early. The nickname of this week is "PORKCHOP"...belonging to 5'5, 320 lbs male. How fitting.

2006-11-09T09:15:00.000-06:00

Are we done with all the election hoopla now? Can we go on with our lives?

2006-10-31T09:08:00.000-06:00

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

2006-10-27T09:13:00.000-05:00

So, I feel like shit, and I decide to finally go to the doctor because I know I need antibiotics. I get tonsilitis almost every year. It feels like a golf ball lodged itself in my throat. It sucks. I can't swollow, and that's not good for everyone! Anyway, the doctor checks me out and says it's probably viral, so she can't give me antibiotics because they won't work unless its bacterial. Then, she says, wow, your tonsils are really swollen. (duh) So I tell her I get tonsilitis quite a bit. Then she asks me how it's usually treated.

What is wrong with this picture? Shouldn't she know how it's treated? With antibiotics! So then she tells me if I don't feel better, to call her in the morning and she'll call in a Rx to the pharmacy for me...for antibiotics. WTF?!
Guess what I did first thing this morning?

2006-10-23T20:47:00.001-05:00

for whatever you want to say...